1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
