Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
