I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
