i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
