Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Found your dick twin last night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
