My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
