this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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