just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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