I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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