There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
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Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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