I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
