he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
