what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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