I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
