the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
