i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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