The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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