i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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