can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
