I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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