Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
