New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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