..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
