I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
