I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
