Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
