She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
