Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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