im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Randomize
