My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
