I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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