At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
