1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
