im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
