My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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