FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
