my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
