Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You took a bar mat shot.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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