I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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