This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
