Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
