actually, I'm a sock model
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
