Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
