Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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