we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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