I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
