I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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