I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
