You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
