Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
