One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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